[SantaCruzRider]

You paint a bit of an apocolyptal picture, but base on your scenario, I’d look for a Suzuki 400 or Kawi 650. These dual sports can be set up to run close to sport bikes on road, but still have enough off-road ability to hop curbs, run dirt roads, and eat up pot holes like nobodies biz.

Unfortunately, they have more of a sporty or dirt style. Cruiser style is at the opposite end of the “all terrain” spectrum. There’s an old saying about taking a motorcyle offroad — you can take any bike off road once, you just may not be able to ride it back.